耕读无限

1. What is a family of origin? What is the significance of its proposal?
   What is a "family of origin"? A "family of origin" refers to the family in which a person is born and/or raised, typically consisting of parents and/or siblings. In contrast to the concept of "family of origin," one can understand "self-built family": a family that an individual autonomously establishes after reaching adulthood or a living situation of living alone. A family of origin is something a person cannot choose, while a self-built family is formed by personal choice.
   What is the significance of the concept of "family of origin"? The concept of "family of origin" originates from psychologist David Simon Freeman. The term primarily comes from two books published by Freeman in 1912: "Family therapy with couples: the family-of-origin approach" and "Multigenerational Family Therapy."
   Freeman proposed the concept and idea of "family of origin," which emphasizes: first, the family in which a person is born and raised, especially the relationship between parents as a couple, is the core of changes in family relationships; and family relationships can have long-term and profound effects on a child's psychology, character, and behavior, even influencing their views on marriage and happiness. Second, it attempts to coordinate the couple's relationship in a self-built family based on the "family of origin" model that individuals carry with them. It views the couple's relationship as multidimensional and dynamic, striving to draw from the positive ways of interaction in the "family of origin" model while avoiding its negative aspects.

2. The statement "a certain family of origin is unfortunate" is a meaningless proposition.
   We often hear or see people say: a certain family of origin is unfortunate. However, in reality, considering that no one is perfect, the families we build will inevitably have various issues. Because, in a sense, there is no such thing as a happy or perfect family of origin. Every family has its own misfortunes, differing only in degree or quantity, with no qualitative differences.
   Therefore, if all families of origin are unfortunate, saying that a certain family of origin is unfortunate is as meaningless as saying that a certain person will die (in fact, everyone will eventually die).
   The misfortunes of a family of origin usually manifest in various ways: tense family relationships, lack of parental love, inappropriate educational methods, domestic violence, gender discrimination, and so on.

3. Family of origin influences us, but does not determine our lives.
   Perhaps what Freeman wants to tell us more is: a family of origin influences us, but does not determine our lives.
   We can reflect on the strengths and weaknesses or interaction patterns, behavior patterns, educational methods, etc., in our own (or our partner's) family of origin, consider the pros and cons of these methods and their potential impacts, and then decide on the interaction patterns, behavior patterns, educational models, etc., for ourselves or our self-built families.
   At the same time, even if our family of origin brings us very serious negative influences, we should learn to get along with ourselves. Recognizing our emotions and trying to analyze and judge which are unnecessary, harmful, or controllable, we will gradually become a rational and peaceful person. More importantly, even if we have been treated unjustly in our family of origin or lack love and care, it does not negate the existence of justice or love in the world. Learning to care for ourselves and understanding the helplessness of our parents' interaction patterns is akin to the fact that the families we build when we grow up will still be seen as flawed family of origin by our own children.
   In reality, individuals and families cannot be separated from society. Individuals, families, and society influence each other. Ultimately, people exist within a web of interconnected social relationships. If everyone disrespects others, including wives, husbands, children, parents, and others, then the partners we encounter will also be people who do not understand how to respect others, perhaps not knowing how to love, merely following the law of the jungle as primitive forest animals that can use language or tools. If each of us has a bit more understanding, tolerance, and love in our hearts, then families, societies, and so on will have more warmth and love, and the negative impacts brought by family of origin will decrease, even though these negative impacts may not disappear.

4. In conclusion: the misfortunes of a family of origin do not necessarily lead to misfortunes in an individual's self-built family.
   My own family of origin is not very happy. Through exploration, I slowly analyze the reasons, choosing to adopt the good and change the bad, and striving to create a happy family.
   Individuals, families, and society are interconnected and mutually influential. I believe that for those who are significantly affected by the negative aspects of their family of origin, the first step is to learn to accept oneself, to love oneself, to regulate one's emotions and mindset, and to place oneself in the context of relationships with others, families, and society. Secondly, rather than complaining about or blaming the misfortunes of our own or our partner's family of origin, it is better to start by learning to respect others, to be tolerant of others, and to give others a bit more love; blaming or complaining about our own or our partner's family of origin will only shift or exacerbate the problem.

5. How to create a good family of origin?
   The book "Being Emotionally Stable Parents: You Are Your Child's Family of Origin" provides many specific cases and psychological solutions based on the viewpoints I previously proposed, and I believe this book is worth reading.
   The author of the book believes that parents' emotions, personalities, and behaviors play an extraordinary role in a child's growth, and parents should pay attention to reflecting on, managing, and understanding their own emotions, personalities, and behaviors.
   Many of the viewpoints proposed in the book are constructive: 1. Respect the child's choices, believe in their judgment, and do not forcibly deprive the child of their right to choose; 2. Often reasoning with children can easily overlook their feelings. After all, empathy is an important condition for communication and trust, while reasoning does not necessarily lead to mutual understanding; 3. When a child does poorly on an exam, a parent's response of "It's okay if you didn't do well, I still love you, or you can do better next time" has flaws: parents do not actively face the child's answers, nor do they see the child's efforts, areas for improvement, knowledge or skill blind spots, etc.; 4. Misunderstandings between parents and children can cause them to drift further apart, negatively impacting both the child and the parents, and should be overcome and resolved as much as possible; 5. Parents need to recognize the difficulty of change while learning to grasp the scale and measurement of effort, guiding children to let go of anxiety (I believe children should develop a sense of purpose and efficiency in their actions, which does not contradict letting go of anxiety), cultivate intrinsic motivation, and focus on the psychological health and sound personality development of children; 6. Analyzing children with procrastination issues may reveal that they lack a sense of time, a sense of purpose, and experience fear due to fear of results, perfectionism, and also include implicit rebelliousness.

The book "If Fatherly Love is Absent: How Fatherly Love Influences Our Work, Emotions, and Life Patterns" is also good. This book emphasizes the impact of fatherly love on a child's confidence or strength, encouraging parents to start with themselves and be good fathers for their children.